“But here steps in Satan, the eternal rebel, the first freethinker and the emancipator of worlds. He makes man ashamed of his bestial ignorance and obedience; he emancipates him, stamps upon his brow the seal of liberty and humanity, in urging him to disobey and eat of the fruit of knowledge.”
~ Mikhail Bakunin~
Left Christianity 
Hi Brenda,
I have a couple of questions that I hope you wouldn’t mind answering. I am right on the brink of leaving christianity (I feel scared even typing that ) and I think fear is the only thing that is really holding me back–namely, the fear of hell and God being angry at me in this life. I was wondering how long after your deconversion it took to shake that fear? Even contemplating it can bring me to the point of panic and I don’t want to live that way forever.
Also, how long did it take u to reprogram your mind so that things that shouldn’t make you feel guilty/afraid lost their hold on you? If I tell a harmless “white lie” (like about santa clause even) I can feel guilty. And did u struggle to find meaning and purpose in life for a while after u deconverted?
I’m just looking for encouragement cause I’m sure I’ll need some.
Take care,
Joe
Hi Joe,
First of all, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings here. Please know that you are among friends here. You are not alone in your struggles.
I absolutely can relate to what you are describing with the fear and panic. I wish I could tell you it was an easy and quick journey for me to leave that behind, but it wasn’t. But it did happen and that is the thing I want you to hold onto. It will happen for you, but everyone’s journey is unique.
Let me say very bluntly Joe, and I hope this helps: You are in no way going to be punished for your thoughts or beliefs (or change in beliefs), you are not going to any type of hell. I can totally relate to what you said about fearing you would be punished just for typing out that you are thinking of leaving Christianity. I had that feeling often too during my deconversion. I remember even feeling it strongly when I started this blog (much further along in my journey).
I would highly recommend this book:
It has been a long time since I’ve read it, but I have the actual physical book and it is the one that comes to mind when talking about a resource for undoing the indoctrination of religion – the reprogramming your mind that you realize needs to happen (especially to help the fear start to subside). Please check out the link above and see it you think it would help.
One thing I want to be sure to mention, is that if you are feeling a lot of fear and panic, then you may benefit from some professional counselling. Not every counsellor is going to be able to understand the deconversion journey, but they can still provide guidance and they have expertise in things such as panic and fear. And if you do decide to get professional help, please go to a professional, secular, non-religious counsellor.
Please check out my ‘Books’ page for further book recommendations, but I think the one I linked to above would probably be the most helpful right now to begin with.
As far as finding meaning and purpose, please check out my ‘Atheist Life’ page and also on the right side of my blog you will see a word cloud. Click on ‘Purpose’ and it will bring up posts on that topic. There is absolutely meaning and purpose outside of religion. The problem is that religion told us that purpose could only be found in God and so it takes time to realize this is utter nonsense. You will find purpose in those you love and in the things you love to do. You will find purpose and meaning in the simple pleasures in life and in many other things you care about. You will get there. Trust me on this.
Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your journey with me – I don’t take that lightly. I wish you the best. I hope my blog helps (there are lots of pages and different things you can search up – so lots to explore).
Please feel free to ask any more questions or leave any more comments.
Brenda
Thanks for the speedy reply! 🙂 I think my life just revolved around christianity so much that I haven’t really developed other areas of interest. I just read alot of christian apologetics, and over the past several months have been trying to find a theological view tgat I believed was 1) biblical, and 2) didn’t make me feel constant fear/ guilt. finally (as of today! ) I’ve decided to say enough. The thing is, I’ve been a christian pretty much my whole life. It’s almost like I don’t even know how to be any other way… I’m sure you know what I mean. Thanks for the help and encouragement!
Joe
Just one more question for the moment: dus you early on still find yourself thanking God for things– such as before you ate?